Letters to My Kids: Mama + Daddy = Love

Dear Jacob and Samantha:

I mentioned before that, in addition to dieting, I have been exercising under the tutelage of a Georgetown junior. He says little and when he does speak, it's usually to tell people to stop talking. ("What is this? Socializing? What are you waiting for?"). After a few classes, Mama thought to herself that when she was in college, Petar was a mere fetus (he's 20). But no matter. Mama recognizes talent when she sees it; Petar has talent. Hence Mama's willingness to take her marching orders from Petar.

Patience is not one of Mama's virtues. Nor is moderation. Mama wants results, by swimsuit season. Period. So, she signed on for personal training with Petar once a week. For six weeks.

Water is the subject Petar talks about the most. If Petar is talking, it is usually about water. Now, we have all heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, and good for losing weight. So when Petar first mentioned this, Mama just nodded her head, thinking she got it.

The next week, Petar was talking about water again. Querying Mama as to that day's consumption.

Mama (boasting): I drank six 16-ounce bottles.

Petar: What?

Mama (with self-satisfied grin): I drank six 16-ounce bottles.

Petar: That's it?

Mama (indignant as a teenager): Yeah.

Petar: That is not nearly enough. A gallon is what you are shooting for (reaches behind desk, holds up gallon-sized jug, almost empty).

Mama (meekly): Oh. I'll be spending all day in the bathroom if I do that.

Petar: shrug. English translation = "you do what you have to do." But he didn't bother with the words. They are for mortals.

Since then, Mama has been littering her home and office with empty water bottles, and spending a lot of time in the bathroom. Until yesterday. Mama got busy, and Jill came into town and we got to talking, and at the end of the day Mama realized she failed miserably that day. At her water. Mama started to worry that this failure could forestall her weight loss.

Mama (filled with self-deprecation and shame) to Daddy: "Oh, no. I completely forgot about my water today! I blew it."

Daddy to Mama: "Want me to write you a note? Dear Mr. Petar, please excuse Amy from her water-consumption responsibilities for today. She's had a hard day. Thanks for your understanding." Which made Mama laugh. At herself. Mama takes life and herself too seriously, and Daddy consistently snaps her out of it.